What's That On Students' Heads?

Winter hair trends leave something to be desired.


Ah, winter! The season for wool coats, knee-highs, cashmere, and finding dead animals on heads of people next to you. We’ve all seen it. The terrible winter hair is back with a vengeance and attacking your eyes like never before. So why does the change in temperature bring about such an irresponsible disregard for appearance? Well, there are hats, acrylic scarves and, of course, snow. There is also the lack of initiative to take trips anywhere including the drug store. However, at the bottom of every bad head of hair lies a single utterly disgusting phrase: “Who cares?!”

           It’s appalling really, how the care people give to appearance suddenly diminishes in winter. As if the coats, hats, and scarves can camouflage the corn flakes still stuck in what are now accidental dreadlocks of the person sitting in front of you. The thing is, people still have eyes. Cold weather may have some perks in terms of disguising unwashed roots, or pesky frizz, but it’s powerless against the food particles, animal hair, and icicles made up of  grease.

           It’s not always that bad of course. Most people continue to shower, but fail to see the point in styling. Others make their hat of choice a permanent seasonal fixture. There is also a tendency to stop getting haircuts and start getting more sleep. When put this way, it almost seems okay- the sleep, the savings, the hats. Well, it’s not. These things all result in terrible hair. Terrible hair results in negative judgment. And negative judgment is self explanatory, although I should probably elaborate for the “dead squirrel that looks like a pigeon after the airplane turbine fell on their head from the sky” crowd.

           According to the Allure magazine, men are naturally attracted to flowing, shiny hair in women. Biologically speaking, it’s a sign of fertility and health. This doesn’t mean that men are off the hook. When asked what physical features attracted females to their male counterparts, hair ranked in seventh place after muscle tone. However, if we take into account that hair has volume, and volume adds overall height, then it would rank about fourth. This brings up another point of anguish- buzz cuts.In a perfect world the buzz cut, much like machine guns, grenades, camouflage pants, and polyethylene combat boots would be kept behind the thick, wire fences of military bases. Unfortunately, the cut once only worn by the military personnel, has now taken over about a quarter of the males we see every day.

           The attributes that make the buzz cut a necessity in combat, also make it seem perfect for winter: easy, hat friendly, and doesn’t require the use of shampoo. All of these convenience factors add up to a whole lot of unfortunate looking heads. It’s mostly unfortunate because men suffering from the buzz don’t realize the amount of positive things they are denying themselves. Height is one of them. Most guys want to look taller, but visually shorten themselves by showing their scalp. Sun protection is also of major concern, especially in winter, when most people forget about sun block all together. And finally, dear men, most of you will start losing hair much earlier than most women will go gray. Having said that, why not make the most of what you have while you have it? Your beloved is sure to appreciate the effort.

           Next on the list is something widely known as “hat hair”. Hat hair is defined by visually offensive flatness that happens to ones head when the hat is removed from it. It seems almost natural to the season, except there’s nothing natural about it. Hat hair is sad looking, and there’s no reason for the utmost top part of the human body to look sad. Please be reminded that kings and queens all over the world wear crowns and tiaras, yet there’s no such thing as “crown hair” or “tiara hair”. Why? Because kings and queens never just throw on a hair piece thinking, “Who cares?!”

           The solution is simple: buy better hats. Acrylic, Lycra, and other unnatural materials cause static, and serve to tighten the fabric around the head. So keep them away from hair. Hats should be made out of natural fabrics such as cotton, cashmere, wool, or hemp. These will keep the head warm, but decrease frizz by diminishing static. The hat should fit relatively loose on the head and be low enough to cover the ears. Some flattening is unavoidable, but is a lot less noticeable when it occurs closer to the neck, than the middle of the head. However the most important thing anyone can do to battle bad winter hair is to simply care about their appearance.

           Mirrors are friends. Cheap hats are not. Hair is important. Hair is great. So give a crap about it while it’s there- full and in color. To really drive it home, I’m going to turn to somebody who is very dear to my heart, and quote the words of Gaga,” when you touch me baby, don’t mess up my hair.” That really just says it all.



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